How a Quiet Person’s Need for Time and Space Alone Can Unwittingly Sabotage Potential Relationships.

I recently read an entry in an advice column from a woman who had already been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, and was upset that her new boyfriend was continuing to be active on dating sites.

The first part of the response to her letter came as no surprise, we’ve heard it all before: it seemed as if she was setting herself up to be hurt again and she should consider why she was attracted to partners who were likely to hurt her.

I can certainly relate to this – I always seem to end up with guys who are unavailable in some way and ultimately end up hurting me. But why would I want to be with someone I expect will hurt me? Do I like being a victim, being hurt? I don’t think so. Yet the statement seems true, I’ve dated players and even lived with guys I knew all along were wrong for me. I don’t think I was simply desperate; I think perhaps there was something more going on. Perhaps by somehow expecting it would end, I was safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to give up my freedom for too long. Is my attraction to men who are unavailable and likely to hurt me, actually a failsafe method of protecting my own freedom and independence? Am I in fact really afraid of not having enough space and time to myself if I get involved in a long-term committed relationship? How does one balance the desire for companionship when you are the kind of person that needs to be alone more than you need to be with people?

The second part of the response, though, made me think: he may need a lot of attention from people where there is no risk of them getting close enough that he might be hurt by them. He may be quite vulnerable and afraid of committing and getting hurt himself.

There is a guy in my life who I get along really well with and care about a lot and the feeling is mutual, but whenever we approach moving things to a relationship, he says he isn’t ready and yet he’s active on dating sites. Am I being a fool? Is it just me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with, but is being too polite to say so? He doesn’t strike me as a player, he has a gentle soul and I can sense that he has been hurt before. He is a private person, quiet like me, and I recognise that same need in him for alone time. So perhaps he is ‘keeping his options open’ indefinitely, not in the hopes of finding someone better, but instead so that he can protect his own need for space and time to himself?

And so as he refuses to commit to a relationship and I refuse to be anything more than being friends unless he commits, we keep each other at a distance and in turn protect our own needs for time and space alone. The sad thing is that in doing so we might be missing out on something that has the potential to be a very rewarding relationship in that we are being motivated by the same needs.