Self-worth and the opinions of others

Small study, big results

As part of my life coaching course I was asked to create a questionnaire to test self-perception in terms of how this impacts on life satisfaction. The questionnaire had to have 20 statements and a scoring system for each statement from ‘strongly agree’ to ‘strongly disagree’. I then had to send out the questionnaire to five or more people and analyse the results.

I was a bit sceptical at first. Surely, in creating such a questionnaire one would need to do a certain amount of research beforehand, in order to develop questions that really focus on the area you wish to test? I felt like I was coming up with my statements pretty much at random and I wondered if they would work. Some of my question statements were:

• When I have to do something in front of other people, I mess up.
• A person should be able to figure out their own problems and not have to ask for help.
• Some people are simply better off alone.
• I’m nothing special, I don’t have much to offer someone.
• When you reach a certain age, there’s not much you can do to change your life.
• If you’re not born with natural talent, there really isn’t much point in trying to learn a new skill.
• In the end, it really comes down to luck, whether you succeed in life.

Unexpected results

I was actually amazed by the results. I sent the questionnaire to friends and family, so I know the people who responded.

The thing that really struck me was, how those persons with the strong self-perceptions seemed to correlate directly with their personalities – the more extroverted and outgoing, the stronger the self-perception. Those with the lowest scores were the quiet, sensitive introverts. Even in this small sample it is evident that there is definite a link between personality/temperament/sensitivity and self-perception. The important note to make here, is that having a quiet/introvert/sensitive personality does not cause low self-image. The link I am pointing out, is the influence that, believing one has the 'wrong' personality type, has on self-image.

There have been many studies that show that those with introvert personalities, in an extroverted society tend to have a lower self-image. It is commonly known. Perhaps what surprised me, however, is just how strong this link is. I wasn’t expecting to see the parallel so evident in such a small sample. And this little exercise has turned out to be quite profound and serves to reinforce my reasons for writing this blog and for wanting to become a life coach to help introverts and highly sensitive people break their conditioning and see themselves as truly valid and valuable people.

Society influences self-image

Self-image comes from how one perceives oneself and how others perceive one. If the majority perceives an individual as weak, of low worth and flawed, then despite the individual’s inner self-esteem they may feel forced to lower their own self-image and this in turn becomes conditioned. So that even when others’ perception of them may have changed, they will still perceive themselves as weak, of low worth and flawed.

Our society is biased towards, praises and encourages the extroverts, the outgoing types, the A-type personalities and undervalues, belittles and even bullies the quiet, introverted minority. It’s no surprise then, that introverts/sensitives tend to have a lower self-image.

You can change your self-image with self-understanding – ‘different’ does not mean ‘not normal’

I completed my survey myself, just out of interest and as a ‘control’ study and was interested to see that my self-perception score was 73 – 21 being the lowest possible score and 105 being the highest. This was interesting because I consider myself as an ultra-introvert and highly sensitive person, so I would expect my score to have been much lower in line with the other introverts in my sample – if I had done the questionnaire in my teens/early twenties, it certainly would have been. However, I have spent the last 20 years essentially ‘self-coaching’ myself through reading about personality types, temperament and sensitivity and in the process came to understand why I’m different and improved my own self-perception in that I see myself as quite normal and not inferior or flawed.

It’s all just a matter of opinion

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I struggled with this statement when I was a teen – I tried to withhold my consent, but when everyone tells you that you’re inferior, it’s hard not to believe them.  So let me say this, "Inferiority is a matter of opinion, and opinion is exactly that – an opinion; there is no right or wrong opinion. Don’t let the opinion of others define you, no matter how many share that opinion."

The danger of believing the opinions of others

Not only am I an introvert and highly sensitive, but I also have a condition that causes me to suffer from headaches. I went all through my childhood and teens complaining about the headaches to my parents, teachers and various family doctors. They were always brushed off as 'just stress', 'hormone changes' 'being unfit' and simply 'all in the head'. And so I became conditioned to believe that I was over-reacting, that what I was experiencing was nothing out of the ordinary since 'everyone gets headaches', and so by the time I reached adulthood I stopped complaining and simply accepted chronic pain as normal.

Finally, when I was 35 after a particularly hard bang to the head when I knocked against a shelf, my headaches intensified to excruciating and I visited yet another doctor who finally took me seriously and sent me off to a specialist. I was quickly diagnosed and underwent minor brain surgery several months later. This condition is usually picked up in childhood, but because I was seen an 'overly sensitive' child, my pleas for help were seen as dramatic ploys for attention. So, again, I reiterate - believe in yourself - believing the opinions of others may not only damage your self-worth but may even put your health at risk.

What an eventful fortnight

It started with Elaine Aron’s public lecture at The Paramount in Wellington on Saturday, 2nd November. From the initial 80 tickets that went on sale (and the organisers doubted they would sell even that many) over 400 people attended. What a fantastic turn-out! Elaine’s interview on Radio New Zealand certainly helped to get the word out.

A pity though, that the event didn’t run too smoothly. I am sure the sheer numbers overwhelmed everyone including the organisers and technical problems with the sound system didn’t help. Still, it was a very worthwhile event for getting people talking about sensitivity in New Zealand and I congratulate the organisers for making it happen.

Next, as I mentioned in my valuing quiet staff post, I attended Janine Ramsey’s Sensitivity Style workshop on Monday the 3rd. It was a fantastic morning. Being the overly-punctual person that I am, I arrived early and was lucky enough to get a place at the same table as Elaine. It was wonderful seeing her again, and she remembered me from my attendance at the 2006 Walker Creek gathering.

The Sensitivity Style model is still in its infancy and it was wonderful to be part of the test group and to provide feedback and ideas for further refining of the content. It was very useful to me as it added another layer to what I understand of temperament and personality as it explored the influence of the trait of sensation seeking.

A day later, I published my blog post 16 Things, which the Facebook group Introverts Are Awesome shared with their followers and led to it becoming something of a viral hit, well to me anyway – it’s had over 17,000 views so far, way more than I ever imagined it might get and a huge response for someone way down under in New Zealand! I’ve really been touched by the many heartfelt comments it received and encouraged to keep going on this path.

To that end, over the weekend I enrolled in an online life coaching course. I have come a long way on my own path of self-discovery and, from my many years of coming to terms with being bullied and searching for answers for what made me different, I want to help other people who struggle with the same issues. Simply understanding what makes you different and having someone to validate you that you ARE normal, can make all the difference.

Also, it’s time for me to change my own life. I’m tired of the corporate job, the noise, the stress and office politics. I’m now ready to pursue my calling and to develop a lifestyle that is more in tune with my quiet nature and boosts my well-being rather than diminishing it.

So I hope you will join me as I work towards a lifestyle that works for me, and I hope that you too, will be inspired to find a lifestyle that works for you.

16 Things You Should Never Say to, or About an Introvert/Highly Sensitive Person

1.  She’s too quiet! This is really a matter of viewpoint, isn’t it?  From a quiet person’s viewpoint, most people are too loud! There are many cultures that prize quiet reserve and frown upon loud, outgoing, showy behaviour. If you think someone is too quiet, then perhaps you might consider that you simply drown out the quiet people around you. You might try shutting up and listening more.


2.  He’s so boring. Well, this again depends on your viewpoint. If you’re the kind of person who thrives on extreme sports and parties till the early hours, then someone who prefers to stay home and read a book is probably going to seem boring. However, to someone with an enquiring mind who thrives on deep conversation and learning about new things, the sports jock and party animal can seem just as boring.


3.  He needs to get out more. People seem to think that being quiet is something that needs to be cured and that getting out more is the remedy – as if that by dragging a person to nightclub after nightclub, he’ll miraculously change into the life of the party. Getting out more just makes a quiet person feel more miserable, more inadequate when they don’t enjoy themselves, and more desperate to go home and curl up with a book. Please, just leave us be.


4.  She’s just shy. This one can really piss us off. Just because we’re not saying much right now, doesn’t mean we’re afraid of saying something. Shyness is the fear of social judgement. Quiet people aren’t afraid of speaking, they’re simply more discerning about when and to whom they speak!


5.  He can’t be very smart (or the variation: he’s lazy) – he never says anything in class, meetings, workshops etc. Just because we don’t say a lot in group situations, doesn’t mean we’re dumb or not paying attention. While everyone else might be discussing the topic animatedly, we’re taking it all in, processing the points raised and thinking about solutions. We don’t talk for the sake of talking, and will only speak when we feel we have something useful to say.


6.  What did you say, I didn’t hear you?! Yes, we introverts/highly sensitive people do have a tendency to speak softly. This is often because it’s difficult to compete with the extroverts in the room who generally dominant discussions and sometimes we might feel it’s just not worth expending the energy to make ourselves heard above the racket. It’s wise to remember that the person with the loudest voice doesn’t always have the best ideas, so make an effort to listen to the quiet members of the group. You have just as much responsibility to listen to them, as they have to contribute to group discussions.


7.  She’s always alone, she has so few friends. Doesn’t mean she’s miserable! We like quality rather than quantity, so tend to prefer to have a few close friends than an addressbook full of contacts that are great for a party, but not for a heart-to-heart chat. And strange as it may seem, spending regular time alone is for us, both essential to recharge our energy and quite simply, bliss. Of course, sometimes we do feel lonely too – but no more so than anyone else.


8.  Is something wrong? Another question that can really annoy us. Just because we’re quiet and lost in our own thoughts instead of chatting away inanely with you, doesn’t mean we’re angry, sad or coming down with the flu! We simply find small talk tedious.


9.  Why are you mad at me? Oh boy, this is just another variation of the ‘is there something wrong’ question. Just because we’re lost in our own thoughts and not saying anything, doesn’t mean we’re ignoring you or giving you the cold shoulder.


10.  Why do you hate people so much? What?! Seriously?! We don’t hate people, if anything most of us are incredibly philanthropic, and are the first to help a stranger in distress.  We simply find crowded situations draining and having to extrovert ourselves and talk above the hubbub is exhausting. It's not so much that we hate people, it's more like we hate talking in crowded noisy situations.


11.  You’re going home already? You only just got here! Yup, sorry, we are likely to disappoint you on this one, and there’s not much we can do about this. We really appreciate the invitation to your parties but deep down most of us dread them – the noise, the crowded venue, the tiresome small talk, the distasteful spectacle of watching people drink themselves stupid. But we don’t want to hurt your feelings so make the effort to come along. So please don’t be offended when we need to leave early – it doesn’t mean we don’t value your friendship, we simply have only so much energy.


12.  What are you scared of? We’re not scared – we’re risk-adverse. We think more before we act, so while you’re carrying on about the awesomeness of your idea of jumping off a cliff with no clothes on, we’ve assessed that that is a very bad idea. Just because we’re not jumping off the cliff with you, doesn’t mean we’re scared. Just means we’re not stoopid!


13.  We need you to show initiative. If you think about it, the operative word here is ‘show’ not ‘initiative’. Most quiet people have heaps of initiative and use it all the time. They’re the person who sees something isn’t working and goes ahead and fixes it, or notices some vital component is running low and goes ahead and orders more, or goes ahead and sets up a new system or process, all in the background without anyone noticing. It’s not that quiet people don’t have initiaitve, it’s that quiet people don’t blow their own horns or seek attention for the crises they avert. Before you criticise an employee for ‘not showing initiative’, make sure you have your facts right. And if you’re the employee, don’t be afraid to keep notes of the times you do make problems go away unnoticed and bring these out in performance reviews – sometimes it is healthy and necessary to blow your own horn.


14. He’s not a team player – he never contributes to team activities or attends team functions. Let me get this right, you’re saying this person is not doing his job properly because he doesn’t say a lot at meetings and prefers not to join in for Friday drinks? You mean you’re rating his performance low because he’s an introvert? Be careful, be very careful.

Not everyone in your team is going to be able to contribute in the way you might want. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable. They may be contributing in ways you don’t know about – by being the member of the team that listens to others’ problems and is there to bounce ideas off of, and is always supporting the more energetic members. Your quiet staff members may be far more valuable than you think.

Have you noticed how job description and performance rating capabilities these days seem to be heavily based on personality traits and not actually work ethic? Things like: ‘steps up to challenges, projects confidence, works well under pressure, is outgoing and shows enthusiasm, at ease working in an uncertain or ambiguous environment, can act and make decisions without having the full picture’. Sounds like they’re saying they believe only an extrovert can do the job, right? Sounds a lot like descrimination to me, and we don’t want to go there, do we?


15. You're antisocial. Well, I know I sometimes get mad when extroverts/non-sensitives don't respect my need for quiet and alone time, but I haven't the urge to get a machine gun and mow down a mall full of noisy people. 'Antisocial' is one of those words that has crept into common usage and is incorrectly used as a synonym for introverted, shy, quiet. It's true meaning is far stronger (from dictionary.com):

    — adjective

• unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people
• antagonistic, hostile, or unfriendly toward others; menacing; threatening: an antisocial act.
• opposed or detrimental to social order or the principles on which society is constituted: antisocial behaviour.
• Psychiatry: of or pertaining to a pattern of behavior in which social norms and the rights of others are persistently violated.

    — noun

• a person exhibiting antisocial traits.

Introverts and Highly Sensitive People are none of the above, so please don't call us antisocial.


16. Little Johnie is so quiet, aren’t you worried about him? You should get him checked out by a specialist, he may be autistic or have aspergers. Don't you love it how people who have no idea what they're talking about can act the expert? Unless you're wanting to scar someone for life, please don't ever suggest that their quietness is any kind of condition. All sorts of emotional damage and self-esteem issues happen when people believe the labels others give to them, that there is something wrong with them.

There are some aspects of introversion and high sensitivity that can mimic aspects of autism and aspergers such as withdrawing into their own world, being easily disturbed by external stimuli etc but are in no way the same thing. If your child is introverted and/or highly sensitive, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, they are perfectly normal, and don't ever let them believe otherwise.